Well, I'm back writing. Many people have told me that the last post was a very long time ago. I've thought hard about what to write and I really didn't know what to write.

Maybe the reason is that I've had to endure a season of dryness. The start of the year had been a difficult one for me, as I've had to endure being sick for extended periods of time, falling sick again, personal disappointments, discouragement, and even an increasing sense of frustration and despair with the way my life is going, feeling that I no longer have any control over it because of the demands of my work and my ministry (please pray for me!).

I've had thoughts of walking away from everything. I've shared this with my YSG and a number of other people. It's been a time of wrestling with God about my life, my faith, and my commitment to Him.

Last week, I was supposed to share devotions in school on this topic 'Rejoice Evermore', and I struggled through preparing it because I found it really hard to rejoice in my circumstances. I'm not sure how it went...but i guess God used it to begin a process of restoration in me. Even as I prepared to lead worship at chapel for today, and I went through the BB Easter Camp over the weekend where I was really tired out (I didn't go for Good Friday service as I was catching up on my sleep before camp).

During the course of the weekend, especially when i didn't go for any services, I began to seek God on why He chose to die for us, and also on the meaning of His resurrection and what it meant for my faith. It's quite difficult to put into words the blessing i received through this wrestling with God, but one of the things was that God illumined my heart today while I was leading worship during chapel in school. I had been reflecting on Jesus' resurrection and how because He lives today, I have hope. As I sang this part of the song even as the boys (usually) are not singing, His joy came flooding into my heart:

"As I look upon Your name
Circumstances fade away
Now Your glory steals my heart
You are Holy....

....evermore my heart, my heart will say...
Above all, I live for Your glory...
Even when my heart falls I will say...
Above all, I live for Your glory.."

-Evermore (2003, Joel Houston, Hillsong Publishing)

I just let go and worshipped God.


I'm not sure why I'm going through this rough season of my life. And I think I will have to continue going through it for some time. But one thing I know...I will have to continue hanging on to God...there is really a huge difference between hanging on to Him when all is well, and hanging on to Him when you are desperate and you know that if you let go, you might just fall far far away.

These verses comes to mind as i end off this post...

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights."

Habakkuk 3:17-19



jiemin =)